If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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