I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
