just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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