I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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