Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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