Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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