decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
