Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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