The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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