i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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