I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
