True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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