I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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