When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni