Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I hope mine doesn't look like that
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised