You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?