My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
