he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
