Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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