Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
