is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
