I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
