I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
