So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
