It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
