I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
