You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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