I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
