dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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