I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
