I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just invented taco cereal.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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