i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
