Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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