dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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