Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
