To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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