sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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