I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
