Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
