I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
