the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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