Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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