Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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