Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
