I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
