Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
