I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
