he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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