the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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