so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
