i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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