proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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