You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
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Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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