We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
