he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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