Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
