I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
