we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
