Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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